Okay God:I just watched a Bridezilla broadcast on either E! Entertainment or Style Network and remember - I'm just trying to be of service to mankind... so for those struggling with nutty relatives and in-laws - this one's for you.
There you are fresh from your make-up counter makeover for the big day when – your sister-in-law-to-be walks in with her ever-growing Johnny Depp goatee and announces to you and your entire bridal party that she’s glad there’s nothing she needs to do but show up for the wedding rehearsal. Your first reaction is to laugh thinking she has to see that thing under her chin. Your second reaction becomes a growing shock that yes she’s actually serious and no she doesn’t see the goatee. Your third reaction looks like a scene from HOME ALONE when Kevin screams “AHHHHHHHHHH”.
Perhaps it’s not a goatee but a shaving challenge of another kind that leaves you on the verge of a nervous breakdown knowing full well that your single soon-to-be mother-in-law is going to be leaping in the air to catch your bouquet. Or maybe it’s your cousin that your mother forced you to have in her wedding. The last time you saw her you were both 12 years old at Lazy Daze Summer camp. You got poison ivy and she hit on biker-dudes. Or could it be your that fiancée’s obnoxious best man, Roger, whom you’re renamed TADD (Totally Attention Deficit Dude) whose been assigned the arduous task of the first toast at the reception. TADD has yet to realize that a 37-year-old man burping aloud his order number at Pizza Hut, drinking from a keg spickett, and quoting lines from film Dude, Where’s My Car is not a beautiful thing. Your fiancé thinks he’s free spirit – you would like to kill his spirit.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH diplomacy! Diplomacy is tantamount to telling someone something they really need to know - knowing full well you may hear about it for the rest of your life. So what do you do? Let’s analyze this.
The goatee is going to be in your wedding pictures for the rest of your life – it has to go! So, you rent Sense & Sensibility and invite all of your bridesmaids over for a pajama party. After two hours of crying and eating high carb pizza, the Goatee sister has to be sleepy. When she falls asleep, your maid of honor gently applies the wax, you lay down the cloth strip, and your trusted little brother that hates her pulls the cloth strip and runs downstairs. Goatee wakes up screaming and you rush to her room with your mischievous dog in tow. You point to the dog and apologize profusely.
Well the cousin thing is easy. Pick the most expensive bridesmaid dress for her to wear. If the dress is under $2,000 – keep looking. Oh - and the shoes must be Jimmy Choos or Manolo Blahnik. Like a said before…this one is easy.
The hairy leaping mother-in-law - pass on that one. This is a battle you cannot win. Remember, it’s not like it your mother. Then there’s TADD. You could make him some Ex-Lax cookies 24 hours before the wedding but if the fear of going to jail stops you – strategically seat him next to your priest, pastor, or rabbi and put a bug in their ears that he’s thinking of converting but is wobbling on the way he should go.
There you are fresh from your make-up counter makeover for the big day when – your sister-in-law-to-be walks in with her ever-growing Johnny Depp goatee and announces to you and your entire bridal party that she’s glad there’s nothing she needs to do but show up for the wedding rehearsal. Your first reaction is to laugh thinking she has to see that thing under her chin. Your second reaction becomes a growing shock that yes she’s actually serious and no she doesn’t see the goatee. Your third reaction looks like a scene from HOME ALONE when Kevin screams “AHHHHHHHHHH”.
Perhaps it’s not a goatee but a shaving challenge of another kind that leaves you on the verge of a nervous breakdown knowing full well that your single soon-to-be mother-in-law is going to be leaping in the air to catch your bouquet. Or maybe it’s your cousin that your mother forced you to have in her wedding. The last time you saw her you were both 12 years old at Lazy Daze Summer camp. You got poison ivy and she hit on biker-dudes. Or could it be your that fiancée’s obnoxious best man, Roger, whom you’re renamed TADD (Totally Attention Deficit Dude) whose been assigned the arduous task of the first toast at the reception. TADD has yet to realize that a 37-year-old man burping aloud his order number at Pizza Hut, drinking from a keg spickett, and quoting lines from film Dude, Where’s My Car is not a beautiful thing. Your fiancé thinks he’s free spirit – you would like to kill his spirit.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH diplomacy! Diplomacy is tantamount to telling someone something they really need to know - knowing full well you may hear about it for the rest of your life. So what do you do? Let’s analyze this.
The goatee is going to be in your wedding pictures for the rest of your life – it has to go! So, you rent Sense & Sensibility and invite all of your bridesmaids over for a pajama party. After two hours of crying and eating high carb pizza, the Goatee sister has to be sleepy. When she falls asleep, your maid of honor gently applies the wax, you lay down the cloth strip, and your trusted little brother that hates her pulls the cloth strip and runs downstairs. Goatee wakes up screaming and you rush to her room with your mischievous dog in tow. You point to the dog and apologize profusely.
Well the cousin thing is easy. Pick the most expensive bridesmaid dress for her to wear. If the dress is under $2,000 – keep looking. Oh - and the shoes must be Jimmy Choos or Manolo Blahnik. Like a said before…this one is easy.
The hairy leaping mother-in-law - pass on that one. This is a battle you cannot win. Remember, it’s not like it your mother. Then there’s TADD. You could make him some Ex-Lax cookies 24 hours before the wedding but if the fear of going to jail stops you – strategically seat him next to your priest, pastor, or rabbi and put a bug in their ears that he’s thinking of converting but is wobbling on the way he should go.
Now go enjoy your wedding!
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